Coaching can be one of the most rewarding conversations you ever have with someone — even when it starts with a call out of the blue asking for help.
One of the toughest things leaders face is giving behavioural feedback to someone who has fallen short of the standard. And often, you’re only giving it because everyone else has ducked the job.
Not because they don’t care — but because they don’t have the skills, the confidence, or the nerve to handle whatever reaction comes back.
I get it. I’m usually the one people call when the conversation feels too big or too risky. I know what it’s like to deliver the message others are scared to give… and I know what it’s like to take someone who reacts badly and help them become a high-performing leader.
So when an HR Director rang to sense-check how they should tackle a difficult team leader — someone creating pressure, fear, and a steady stream of people eyeing the exit — I was happy to help.
No one should feel like that at work.
Here’s what I shared with them.
1. People deserve feedback — even the uncomfortable kind.
Don’t dance around it.
Tell them upfront you have feedback they’re not going to like. That honesty is kinder than ten minutes of waffle.
2. Use “What, So What, Now What” — simple and effective.
WHAT: Stick to specifics and facts, not judgments.
Then invite their view. Expect denial, justification, or “that’s how we’ve always done it.”
If no one has ever challenged them before, of course, they think it’s OK.
You promote what you permit.
SO WHAT: Explain the impact. Poor behaviour doesn’t stay contained — it drives disengagement, withdrawal, and anonymous resignations. Someone else inherits the mess, and the cycle continues.
NOW WHAT: Agree on what needs to change and what happens if it doesn’t.
A few weeks later, I checked in. The HR Director said the conversation didn’t feel great, but it was absolutely necessary.
And here’s the twist: the team leader was under huge pressure and didn’t realise the effect they were having. They’d operated like this for years because no one had ever stopped them.
Top performers often get a free pass because leaders fear losing their output.
We create stories that justify our inaction.
Yes, there were mitigating factors — but never excuses.
Feedback opened the door for this person to ask for support, seek help, and commit to changing.
And here’s the important bit:
A single conversation doesn’t transform ingrained habits. Especially ones we’ve allowed to calcify through silence.
But it does create a catalyst.
If you want that change to stick:
• Support them consistently
• Reset expectations with the team
• Give the team permission to hold their leader to account
• Ensure the leader has an outlet — a safe space to vent and process pressure
Because isolation makes pressure heavy. And pressure makes behaviour worse.
Real leadership isn’t avoiding the hard message.
It’s delivering it with honesty, clarity, and humanity — and sticking around to help someone become who they want to be.